28th November 2011

Post with 3 notes

:/

Until recently I wasn’t aware how stressful the state of dissatisfaction can be. Unbearable situations are one thing but just-below-par situations are, in a way, worse… at least with unbearable situations you have a definite answer to your question: You need to get your shit together and change. And probability wise, things are more likely to improve than degenerate. 

But when you’re feeling unfulfilled you never know if anything is worth the risk. Because maybe the situation isn’t so bad, maybe it’s just you who needs to change? Maybe your frustration stems from your own resistance to becoming a more adaptable, flexible, assimilated person? 

fuck that dude. I know I am hedonistic (… on a good day) and just intrinsically require a lot of engagement and excitement. Maybe it’s because I was spoiled as a kid, maybe it’s because I received a lot of attention whenever I wanted it all the time, that I’m feeling withdrawal symptoms from living a typical adult life. But I’ve wrestled with that thought for some time; I’ve desperately lowered my expectations, tried to adjust, feigned indifference to my own unhappiness, and still I feel like fragments of my well-being are being omitted, annihilated, piece by piece. 

There are times I act optimistically. And I know I’m lying to myself when I think that way. Gah, I hope for change but it never comes. It’s like I have a messed up pumpkin and I have to fix it, and I hope it’ll fix itself with small scrapes of my knife but I don’t have the guts to straight up concede and make pumpkin pie out of it like a boss or even to buy a new pumpkin. Essentially I feel like a huge underappreciated noob who victimizes herself and won’t take action. :(

 Sidenote, every semester I feel like the one before it was infinitely better. Am I just miserable all the time then, because looking back everything seems so golden… Spring semester was basically impossible life wise but I keep remembering all the fun times. And next semester I better not look back on Fall… omg. This semester is the worst. Thank GOD it’s almost over