19th September 2011

Post with 2 notes

my heart hurts today

It won’t stop, I don’t even remember last time it was like this but I want to say two years ago must have been similar. I compounded all my poor judgment and decisions into a minor explosion and have worked up a fever in stress, but I feel like reflecting, because I know it won’t go away anytime soon and I might as well make sure it goes away for the right reason.

Even just writing that made it a little bit worse but IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. No more denial and such. 

repeat. No more denial.

I’ve lost a ridiculous number of friends in the last year. Yes, I realize I am the constant in each and every situation. Although in each and every situation both parties were at fault, I don’t really want to think about that anymore either. Because I miss everybody a lot :(

1. You were the first, I think, but the most subtle because nothing happened to my knowledge until I heard about it a semester later. I guess our personalities both handle conflict very badly in different ways so we were never able to move past it, and mistrust, jealousy, and feelings of intense betrayal will probably always haunt us if we ever get back in touch. Which I highly doubt considering our interactions when we are forced in the same room or even just in passing on campus. But I liked you a lot. You shaped my freshman experience in ways that were important, but ways that I almost instantly disavowed when we stopped speaking. A year ago around this time you came to pick me up from the hospital and I think that’s my last real memory of you—-wearing bright plaid and looking so concerned. I came home to see a note on the whiteboard sticker above my bed that I left even when we didn’t talk anymore: “TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, CRAZY GIRL.” I hope you do too, because I wish you the best, and still care about you very very much even though I understand why certain relationships are better left broken.  

2. This was my fault. I’ve been trying to heal things with you but sigh it won’t happen. You’re too busy and also yeah, I know, guys only care about you for one reason. So fuck it. But I liked you a lot too and I wish you’d pulled me away from the “competition” that scared you off. It’s okay, I still have some of my best memories of fall semester with you, sitting in BAM looking at Japanese art and taking up benches just because we were too tired… I remember dropping the bomb at that place, so ironic with the serenity of the cherry blossoms surrounding us at that moment, and I felt like I couldn’t ever forgive myself when I saw your expression flash across your face. Yeah, those suddenly dead eyes are engraved into my skin, especially because I’ve felt that so many times myself… and do right now. 

3. When we met you were such a cute kid, albeit kind of a tool. I remember going through your profile pictures one day and lolling at the early Myspace-esque mirror photos, thinking, thiskidissuchafuckingtool… and then… whydoilikehim. I miss our going to the gym together, showering in adjacent stalls, telling jokes through the walls, playing hallway baseball with malleable Oski stress balls. I miss trying to get over you, refusing to leave my room when I heard your voice in the hallway, trying to concentrate on a book I didn’t care about before I would just half-give up and take that book into the lounge just to watch you do something cute. I guess our friendship itself started on a foundation of one-way affection but then even after circumstances changed I valued you as a person, an addition to my social circle, quite a lot. I’m playing a song you recommended to me two years ago right now (although the new you would deny you ever liked it) and thinking. You were my first college “getaway boy,” a departure from my Cupertino boytroubles and a testament to my out-of-sight-out-of-mind mentalities. My interactions with you taught me more about myself than any feigned-deep conversation I ever had with you did, and in that way, you really are a fucking tool, but I miss you all the same. Considering how much and how fast we’ve both grown up, I doubt we have anything in common anymore but it still sucks to have you cut off. 

4. I think I miss you the most… I actually cried over you even though I never had any feelings for you that surpassed platonicity. I’m not even going to say you were a nice guy because you hate that. But you were one of the only kids I’ve been able to trust recently, not because you didn’t try to hide things from me but because you were so incredibly transparent. I liked it, by the way, I’m sorry I was so concrete in comparison. And yeah I did lie to you quite a lot but sorry. I know you hate that too. Our mutual thirst for adventure and all the bonding that comes with driving together, being stuck in traffic together, getting lost together (FUCK your iPhone navigation) I wouldn’t have given up to spend a minute with anyone else. I know that significant life updates have changed our situations recently and that now that you have a girlfriend our friendship, if it ever heals, will change as well. But I miss you sooo much. I spent every day of summer with you and then it stopped. And then summer sucked.

5. I don’t intend to ever fix our “friendship” because what’s different about you, from all these people, is that you and I never had memories that were REAL. Sorry, I can’t cherish your charisma when it fucks me over. I’ve been telling myself that if I could fix things with the aforementioned individuals, I’d feel more complete, stronger, and less like I needed you. I’ve never let myself be so manipulated before in my life and while I myself am thinking, whatever I’ll get over it, I would never have let this happen to a friend of mine. (Priorities are strange huh?) And it kills me to think, when I was born, my parents were probably thinking, wow, look we have another baby girl. I hope she’ll be smart, beautiful, strong, and successful, who can make a difference in our world and make it better for her children someday. AND THEY GOT A COMPLETE DUMBASS. no thanks to you, douchebag, for each and every positive value they instilled in me there was another character in my life who just shot it down. 

Currently, am I optimistic? Am I virtuous? Do I have morals? Do I screw over other people to get what I want? Do I care about other people’s feelings? Do I even take them into account when I make decisions? 

damn